Have you ever found yourself celebrating a victory only to find your boss, coach or spouse telling you that you didn’t score, you missed the mark and “you’re crazy…I never said that!” It can leave you feeling confused, defeated and increases your self-doubt. Here’s the inside scoop: MANIPULATORS MOVE THE GOAL POSTS.
With a straight face or intense/angry approach but always in a very convincing way, they change the rules and rewards, and then blame you for not achieving the goal. In the world of abuse, this is called “gas lighting.” It’s a very common practice by unhealthy people who want to gain power and control over others.
Two Tips for recognizing this unhealthy behavior: * Take written notes of expectations & rewards and refer back to them.
* Don’t assume you fumbled, are at fault, not smart enough or any other negative self-image. Manipulators will work to keep you in that position so they can have power and control over you. They keep you guessing and always trying to “win” their approval. A game you can never win.
By learning to recognize this behavior you can prevent and stop this no-win situation.
Set clear expectations, write them down (add specific dates and comments), make sure everyone is in agreement and hold people accountable by going back to your notes. Written notes help us clearly see if this is a repeated pattern of behavior.
And…please remember to celebrate the victories! Honor when the established rules are followed and the rewards for the successes are given. It goes a long way to building trust with others and productive outcomes.
Authentic Health…building relationships with trust. When you’ve experienced betrayal (haven’t we all to one degree or another?!) then you know how hard it can be to be vulnerable and trusting. If we look closely enough, we can see the scared and pained feelings that are buried in people’s (or dogs!) faces, body language and especially their eyes. Living in a healthy way means we learn from the past and bravely keep moving forward with the productive life lessons learned.
If we’ve all been hurt, wounded or betrayed (abuse is the ultimate betrayal of trust)then we can walk through the world with the negative vision of fear, mistrust, hurt, woundedness…OR…we can decide those experiences are not going to limit us by losing out on incredible, rewarding and meaningful relationships. With learning healthy trust, we open doors where we can clearly see others and they can clearly see us for the amazingness we all have. With these emotional doors open, you have hope, positivity and clarity freely flowing between you and the world.
TRUST is built by living, acting and speaking with Truth. Respect. Unity. Safety. Transparency.
I believe in you and your ability to flourish in healthy ways. Keep moving forward with TRUST for yourself and as an example to others. One person can lead the way to building trusting relationships by extending a brave hand in kindness.
Please share to encourage others…now, go out there and build rock-solid, trusting relationships. You’re going to be glad you did!
Please listen in to Jess Dewell and my video conversation as it appeared live. We talk about:
Growth & Strategy
Confidence in Self & Confidence in Team
Confidence is Courage in Action…that proves anything is achievable.
Adding to the podcast: Confidence is built by all the times you used an ounce of courage to face something new, difficult or out of your league. I recommend using past successes as a reminder that you’ve faced other challenges and succeeded and even if you didn’t succeed, the “failure” or horrible experience you had to endure, didn’t kill you…you actually learned and grew from it. With each step taken with courage, you become stronger and wiser. When you are stronger and wiser you have more and more confidence to keep taking steps toward your best-self and achieving your biggest goals!
Blindspots Can Make You Blindsided. Why we need an Accountability Buddy!
I would love to hear your feedback to this podcast as well as your ideas and recommendations for growth, courage, confidence and seeing your blindspots.