Have you ever found yourself celebrating a victory only to find your boss, coach or spouse telling you that you didn’t score, you missed the mark and “you’re crazy…I never said that!” It can leave you feeling confused, defeated and increases your self-doubt. Here’s the inside scoop: MANIPULATORS MOVE THE GOAL POSTS.
With a straight face or intense/angry approach but always in a very convincing way, they change the rules and rewards, and then blame you for not achieving the goal. In the world of abuse, this is called “gas lighting.” It’s a very common practice by unhealthy people who want to gain power and control over others.
Two Tips for recognizing this unhealthy behavior:
* Take written notes of expectations & rewards and refer back to them.
* Don’t assume you fumbled, are at fault, not smart enough or any other negative self-image. Manipulators will work to keep you in that position so they can have power and control over you. They keep you guessing and always trying to “win” their approval. A game you can never win.
By learning to recognize this behavior you can prevent and stop this no-win situation.
Set clear expectations, write them down (add specific dates and comments), make sure everyone is in agreement and hold people accountable by going back to your notes. Written notes help us clearly see if this is a repeated pattern of behavior.
And…please remember to celebrate the victories! Honor when the established rules are followed and the rewards for the successes are given. It goes a long way to building trust with others and productive outcomes.
ENLIGHTEN. EMPOWER. END.
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#goalposts #manipulator #badboss
PART THREE: MANIPULATION
We define abuse as…”Repeated mistreatment, where one person uses manipulations to gain and maintain power and control over another person.”
The more practiced the “one person” is, the more “talented” they are in using manipulation tools and techniques. For them, it is an intricate game of ducking and weaving to create confusion so they can gain control and exert their power over someone else.
But have a steady heart…we can and will outsmart them with proper training! Be patient when meeting new people or looking at old friendships to ensure you can really “hear” and “see” them for what they are and not what they present themselves to be.
* BEST SINGLE TIP = Ask yourself, does their behavior match their words? When you hear warning bells, write them down so it is easier for you to track if the person’s values match their actions. Emotions can cloud the facts which abusers are counting on. When we are emotionally involved with a manipulator, our brains get hi-jacked which sends our bodies into Fight, Flight or Freeze mode.
FORMS OF MANIPULATION INCLUDE:
* False Promises Appearing Real
* Finger Pointing
* Physical Intimidation
* Emotional Fear
* Changing the Rules…Moving the Goal Posts
* Shame & Blame
Protect yourself and those around you by learning to identify and stop manipulators from using their tools and techniques of manipulation. Contact us for more information or to schedule an insightful workshop at your work, organization or school! 720.334.4135